Christmas after a heartbreak

Christmas—a season filled with twinkling lights, warm scents, and cozy traditions. I’ve always considered myself a Christmas person, decorating the tree as early as November and letting the aroma of mulled wine and gingerbread fill my home throughout December. Yet, over ten years ago, after my divorce, Christmas suddenly felt like a heavy burden rather than a time of joy.

Why did something I once loved so deeply become so painful?

The Science of Disappointment

Our brain’s dopamine system plays a key role in how we experience joy and disappointment. Dopamine isn’t just the “feel-good” hormone—it also drives anticipation and reward. In those years, I had built an idealized image of what my Christmases would look like as an adult: family gathered around, endless laughter, and a sense of belonging.

But after my divorce, reality no longer matched those expectations. This is where the science of reward prediction error comes in. When the reality of a situation doesn’t align with what our brain anticipated, dopamine levels drop sharply. This leaves us feeling disappointed, unmotivated, or even hopeless.

Some years, the gap between my imagined Christmas and my real one felt so overwhelming that I’d end up crying beside the Christmas tree, consumed by feelings of failure and sadness.

Rewriting Traditions

It took time, but I eventually realized that while I couldn’t control everything, I could take small steps to rewrite my holiday traditions to reflect my new reality.

One Christmas, I decided to stop holding on to old traditions that no longer fit my life. Instead of spending the day grieving what I had lost, I began to focus on creating new experiences that brought light and connection. I invited friends who also struggled with the holidays to my parents’ countryside home.

By surrounding myself with people who understood my struggles, we built a new tradition that celebrated love and support. I also discovered that simple activities could shift my emotional state and even work with my brain’s natural chemistry.

Science-Backed Tips for a Joyful Holiday

Over the years, I found ways to nurture my brain’s love hormones—dopamine, serotonin, and oxytocin—through simple yet powerful actions:

• Friendship and Support: Oxytocin Boost
   Spending the day with friends created a sense of belonging. Oxytocin, the “connection hormone,” is released through social bonding, calming the nervous system and fostering trust.
  
  
• Walks in Nature: Serotonin Elevation
  Refreshing winter walks in the crisp air lifted my spirits. Nature exposure increases serotonin levels, which stabilize emotions and promote a sense of peace.
  
  
• Cold Dips and Sauna: Dopamine Reset
  Rolling in the snow and plunging into an icy lake after the sauna was invigorating. Cold exposure triggers a significant, natural dopamine release, offering a reset for the brain.
  
  
• Singing Together: Multi-Hormonal Harmony
  Belting out cheerful Christmas songs was pure joy. Singing strengthens social bonds (oxytocin) and reduces stress, while also increasing serotonin and dopamine levels.
• Allow Yourself to Feel: Emotional Regulation
  If tears flow, let them. Crying activates the parasympathetic nervous system, helping to process grief and reset emotions. Allowing sadness makes room for healing and future joy.
  
  

From Pain to New Possibilities

Those early Christmases after my divorce weren’t easy. But over time, I learned to let go of rigid expectations and embrace new traditions. By taking small, science-backed steps to nurture my emotional and physical well-being, I found joy in the present moment.

Even the hardest times can be turned into victories. By the next Christmas—or the one after that—you may find yourself writing a new chapter filled with connection, warmth, and peace.

This holiday season, remember: the magic of Christmas doesn’t lie in perfection or old traditions. It lies in the small, meaningful moments that remind us of who we are and the connections that heal us.

Take care of yourself, and may your Christmas reflect your heart.